Dear Gina C.C Big Ben

I admit, I've had a good old moan about your 'Contented Little Lunatic' book and you're possibly the bossiest person that ever lived, you and your irrational expectations that a baby will sleep and eat at certain times 'just because Gina says so'.  Oh, he should be asleep now, really?  Despite the fact baby doesn't wish to sleep or eat at your designated intervals, I’ve thoroughly embraced your diktat.  Baby's taken to your schedule in manner of me in the relaunched Selfridges shoe hall, i.e. extremely well.  Gina, I admit, I wasn’t exactly a 'scheduley' kinda gal before baby arrived and in many ways you gave us our life back, and I thank you for that.  But, I wondered, have you ever considered including a section entitled 'New Parents' Schedule'?  If not, may I suggest the following as a starting point? 

Dear New Mum, before you had your baby your morning may have looked something like...

Get up at 7.30am. Moan about getting up at 7.30am. Shower. Have tea hand picked by Tibetan monks. Read several blogs and online newspapers. Tweet. Eat expensive organic wheat free toast made by virgins.  Tweet. Boil two eggs laid by chickens raised at Buckingham Palace. 8am, commence beauty routine. Tweet. Check Facebook. Caress limbs with oil imported from Morocco on a bed of petals. Consider doing some sit-ups, but there’s just no time.  Blow dry hair using several products only available from a one off salon in Paris. Apply Chanel foundation. Spend ten minutes on each eye working the driest Dior mascara wand through lashes first, then the semi-dry wand, finishing off with the latest, wettest mascara wand in order to create perfect ‘backstage’ lashes. 8.30am, try on entire wardrobe. 8.55am, vow to buy more tops from Net-A-Porter. 9am run out of door cursing fact there’s not enough time in life and how 'I’m gonna HAVE to go on a retreat to India / Thailand to 'practise' yoga in order to relax as it’s the only way I can get some head space, man!’ 9.30am, arrive at desk chirping ‘I feel like I’ve done a whole days work already, I just don't know how I do it!’

Dear new mum, after you've had your baby your morning may go something like...

Get up at 6am. Trip over spare travel cot located by door. Wonder why we have a spare travel cot located by door? No time to worry about stubbed toe or spare travel cot. Go to soothe crying baby. Vow to pee at some point before lunchtime. Switch on bottle warmer. Feed Dog. Feed Cat. Get baby from cot. Sit baby in highchair. Look at diary unable to read writing so who knows what’s gonna happen today.  Cross fingers. Feed baby his bottle. Entertain baby. Make baby his porridge. Put baby in full body bib. Take baby food out of freezer whilst porridge is cooking.  Wash baby’s bottle. Put sterilizer on. 7.15am Feed baby porridge. 7.20am sit shaking garish rattle over head in vain hope it will trick baby into finishing porridge.  7.22am, make raspberry noises whilst shaking garish rattle above head.  7.23, force dog to wear a Trilby in order to entertain baby. 7.24, beg baby finish porridge.  7.45am, baby finishes eating porridge. 7.46, dog licks entire high chair whilst still wearing hat. 7.47am, dog is banished to his bed with Dettol wipe attached to his butt.  7.48am, Dettol wipe cat. 7.50am, second nappy change of the morning, wash baby, dress baby, entertain baby. 8am, empty sterilizer, refill bottles for the day, make list of things I need to buy for baby, scrape porridge out of hair. 8.30am, lie on floor with baby playing peek-a-boo. 9am, baby’s second nap. 9.01am, wish Starbucks would deliver. 9.02am, have two minute shower. Put on something that isn’t covered in sweet potato. Dab on a bit of blusher and whizz a bit of mascara through lashes so not to scare the kids. 9.30am, start rest of day.

Should we work on this together, Gina?

Best wishes

Etc etc