I’ve made the most extraordinary discovery and I just had to share it with you! Guess what? Women lie to one another! I sort of knew they did already, and I prefer to call them diddle fibs rather than big fat humungous lies, but all things considered, fibs these aint! It would seem that women are so concerned with keeping up appearances, they fib about almost everything when it comes to having a new baby. This is not helpful as it makes one feel like one’s such a failure one might want to stick one's head in one's oven and be done with one. I’ve noted down several of my favourites ‘fibs’. No names will be mentioned in order to protect the innocent (i.e. the husbands).
Fib One: ‘My child’s been 100% breastfed from day one’
Translation: Bollocks. Baby was given a bottle of formula within an hour of birth. In public mum lies about contents of Tommee Tippee bottles saying ‘it’s expressed breast milk’. Cow & Gate’s finest more like. C’est bonkers, non?
Fib Two: ‘My baby sleeps through the night’
Translation: Sure thing, sister! If you count from midnight to four am ‘sleeping through the night’. Crackerjack.
Fib Three: ‘Your baby doesn’t sit up yet? Alfie / Coco / Archie / Martha started sitting up ages ago’
Translation: They lied to you about the baby’s actual age. The baby is actually five months old, not fourteen weeks. Cray cray!
Fib Four: ‘I haven’t had any help but I’m not tired at all’
Translation: She’s got a 24 hour maternity nurse, a cleaner who comes daily, a dog walker, the cat’s been farmed out forever and she’s on eight hours sleep a night and possibly narcotics.
Fib Five: ‘I’m finding it all comes really naturally, I just know what to do instinctively’
Translation: She’s got NHS Direct on speed dial and she’s called an ambulance so many times she’s banned from making 999 calls forever.
Anyway, must dash, am hand embroidering life like railway scenes onto several baby grows and have a dozen cupcakes in the oven, which will be hand piped with baby names - each in a different shade of icing - in time for our antenatal coffee morning tomorrow.
Best wishes,
Etc etc.
