Dear Tom Ford C.C The Fashion Interns

Uh Oh!  Guess what I've gone and done, Tom?  As soon as I felt better, as soon as my heart stopped feeling like it was made from lead and my throat opened up enough to allow me to breathe again, I mean properly breathe, as opposed to the shallow, panicky little breaths I’d been taking for the past year… guess what I did?

Guess what I did as soon as I’d lost all of the weight and could happily strip off at a sample sale in front of the interns without them having to cross themselves and drink holy water and pray pregnancy never happened to them.  Guess what I did????   I GOT PREGNANT AGAIN!!!!!  Um, the interns are still threatening to go to Lourdes or Rome to be blessed in order to recover from seeing my bare arse during one particularly unfortunate incident in the fashion cupboard.  It wasn't my fault.  The Celine samples are TINY!  I'd like to thank the Fire Brigade who after several hours finally managed to remove the burgundy leather pre-fall skirt from my person.  

Anyway, I’m writing to tell you my plan.  You know your Kapow dress?  The one you said was Rhi Rhi inspired but I know you meant Me Me, well I’m going to wear it to your show in September.   I wanted to wear it now but it looks more OW than Kapow and won’t zip up.  I wondered whether you had considered bringing out a maternity line called OW?  Or labour gowns?  I honestly think there’s a market for labour gowns – NOBODY’S doing it.  How genius?  A labour gown line called OW?  I mean, come on, Tom, we could do this together!  You better do it quick before Frida at Gucci claims the idea as hers. Wonder what she wore – a thigh high boot, a fox stole, a smile?    

So the baby’s due in three weeks and I was wondering whether I could use your AW show hair and make-up team for six weeks after delivery?  I loved the side-parting-slicked back hair (SO kid friendly!) and figured if I can have somebody do that every morning AND administer a smoky eye everything will be ok, well, certainly better than last time when I looked like Jabba The Hut trying to do grunge.  What do you reckon?

Let me know your thoughts on 'OW'.  I reckon it's a winner.  I'll call Selfridges and Harrods as soon as you give me the green light.

Best wishes,

Etc, etc